You Mean Well

Hello there! I’m Sailaja. Oh, you are asking me to move, you cannot read the menu of the day. Am I taking up too much space? I’m sorry. So inconvenient for you. What’s that you say? Move some more? O.K. Some more? Oops, I seem to have blotted out the landscape for you.

Let’s chat while we are waiting for a table to be free.

Umm, I did play games when I was your age. Why do you ask? Oh, you are very funny, you want to know if I looked like this when I was fifteen! Well, I came out of my mother looking this way. I know, dinosaurs did the same. You can see the remnants of her shell clinging to me if you look closely enough! It is a joke, yaa.

Where is she now? With me of course. Yes, you are right. I don’t help out at home, so right! Because she is with me, it naturally means that she has to do all my chores. Oh please I’m sure you mean well. After all, if a man’s mother lives with him, it is her right and she is treated like a queen. Oh absolutely, my mother stays with me because she has nowhere to go. Right, the only reason that you can think of me having her is that I get a maid for free. How wonderful, no? Her family seems to think so too. Strange though, she doesn’t like to visit them! It’s almost as if she prefers my company. Yes, I can see why that is funny! Yaa, she pampers me even now, that is why I am sooooo fat!

Yes, I’m sure you mean well. Certainly, nobody wants to die of health complications. Right, wasn’t aware till you kindly told me, Obesity is indeed a disease. Yes, I have high blood pressure. I see you nodding very sagely, I agree it must be all that food I eat. Yes, since I’m twice your size, I eat for two people. No, I’m not with child, what a quaint expression! It is just my belly bulging, making itself conspicuous. No, I’m also very surprised why I don’t have diabetes! In fact I feel rather left out. My ‘sugar’ friends have lost awesome weight and are fending off the compliments. The lifestyle disease that decides to affect me does nothing for me. Really, I’m sooooo unlucky, I know I could have got diabetes. I’ll try hard to goad my pancreas to achieve it.

You want to take a selfie with me? How lovely! Cheese! Yaa, all I think about is food! Oh, it looks very nice. Yes, you look beautiful and soooo slim! Yes, the contrast shows up very nicely. You look better when I am next to you! Making this your facebook profile picture? Please go ahead. You will get a hundred likes at least. Want to tag me? Thank you, oh thank you! What would I be without you?

See this selfie of mine. Who is this pretty girl you ask? It is my daughter. Yessss, believe me please! What’s that you say? How can such a beautiful girl be the daughter of someone like me? Same question sooooo many people ask. I consider myself blessed. Thank God she didn’t take after me! All that biryani, and it doesn’t show on her!

Where I get my clothes? Here, there and everywhere! You are right, nothing fits. Every shop I know caters to the standard size. The slender divas. I am very fat. Ha! Don’t joke yaaaa! What is curvaceous? All bulges, no curves.

Let’s have lunch together. Share a table. No, my treat! Yes, you will go bankrupt if you feed me. Ha! Ha! Yes, I love food! Do you too? I’m glad! Does food make you feel better too? Eat and work out you say! I do. Walking? Oh! Absolutely. Treadmill, walked off the miles, not the kilos. No, not joking! Aerobics? Yup, enjoy it. Yes, I can jump, and dance and do the ‘grapevine, mambo cha cha’! Why I don’t lose weight? Don’t know. Yoga, love it! Helps that the instructor doesn’t look at me and focuses only on the slim ones. I get to do my own thing. Ah well, I understand, who would come to class because people like me are there! Not an inspiration at all! The slim ones, like you, can sell anything. Ha! Ha! Not a joke!

How I got married? Well, I was tall and statuesque then. Difficult to believe, no. At five feet six inches and sixty kilos I was stacked in all the right places. Two surgeries later…now don’t ask. I have distinction in weight! Am I still married? Yes, I am. Happily married? What an oxymoron! Ha! Ha! No, husband is not complaining I am fat and all. Really! No, he is not afraid of me! Oh, you feel I am the overbearing one in this marriage. You are welcome!

Let’s order now. Oh, you want the butter kulcha and paneer butter masala. Green salad and pita bread for me please. No hummus. Eat a little, you say. Noooo…the very sight of food makes me fatter. Ummmmmm….it smells di-viiiine. No, I’m sure I don’t want any.

Oh, your knee is troubling you? I’m sorry. My knees are fine, thank you. Yes, despite my weight. No, I don’t know how it is possible! Your liver functioning badly? I’m sorry. Maybe, you shouldn’t be eating all this butter. Oh, you disagree! You are slim, I agree, you can afford to eat all this, I agree. High cholesterol levels? Oh! Mine, are in the safe range, thank you!  I agree, so unfair!

No, I’m sure salad is enough for me. No, I’m not on a diet. What is the use, you say? That’s the way I live! Really, really, yaa! I don’t know why I’m like this. Sorry, you have become silent. Clogged arteries, you say. I’m sorry. Really, I don’t know how slim and svelte people like you get such problems. I know you don’t deserve to suffer. You are so pretty. So slim. So beautiful. It’s so unfair, I agree. Yaa, fat people should get all these problems. They deserve it. Yes, I know what you are feeling. Fat people ruin all the beauty in the world. I know you are grossed out. All that blubber. Good for nothing. Sorry to spoil your vision of the perfect world.

Let me take care of the cheque. Ha! Ha! The waitress knows whom to give it to. Split it, no way! My treat. What’s that you say? Fat people are jolly generous. How original! Jolly and generous!

Goodbye. Take care of yourself. No, I did not feel bad about anything. I’m used to all this well-meaning advice, you know. Well-wishers letting me know what is good for me. Oh, I have many well-wishers. They range from ages ten to eighty. You should hear them make funny remarks. Oh, too funny yaa. You will die laughing.



10 thoughts on “You Mean Well

  1. Sarcasm is the best way to return the debts of such poignant efforts of people who mean well…. Beautiful. Read it in your voice and couldn’t help a smile reach my face, even though there was a harsh reality hidden in those words.

  2. Hah! I absolutely loved the sarcasm that emanated from this! I too have many ‘well wishers’ they always know what’s best for me, seemingly. 😃

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